The Crappy Poet

I'm a twenty-something edging past newlywed and new dog owner. I run, write, I work. What else is there besides the struggle to overcome all of that and make something of myself...

2.22.2006

Let Me Set You Straight

Okay, so I can't figure out why I have not lost my newlywed nine. Let me set this up for you: young, thin girl gets to fittest in her life after running first half marathon. Girl gets married, begins night job during which time she becomes horribly depressed and quits all physical activity. Also, since now married, she eats a MEAL EVERY NIGHT! Not soup, not salads, not cereal. A REAL MEAL. Now she is heavier than she has ever been. Girl gets new job, reforms bad eating habits, trains for another half marathon, joins a soccer team, does yoga twice a week, and has new dog she walks a mile and half every night. Girl loses just 5 pounds over 1 year.

And while I will admit I am a little overzealous about all things weight-loss related, it is not without cause. I present my case:

1. I have never been pudgy or chunky. I was a skinny baby. Just around the time I should have entered my "baby fat" stage, I got my tonsils out and couldn't eat for weeks. In middle school, when girls typically gain weight before their last growth spurt, I had a dentist who was hooked on painkillers. Everytime he tightened my braces I had to go on a liquid diet for a week. (Obviously we didn't know how normal braces worked until after the lawsuit, thanks!) All of this means I am stellar at maintaining weight, but bad at losing any once gained.

2. My mother. This is really every girl's excuse for being neurotic. But my mother was anorexic in college, as well as apathetic about exercise later in life. This formula equals mother who drags her children into the dressing room at Dillard's and tries on many outfits, all the while commenting on how fat and disgusting she is, and also telling the children not to look at her.

3. I am short. This means that bulge has nowhere to hide. There is a reason you are supposed to weigh more if you are tall. You have more places to hide it. I like to compare it to living in a 3 bedroom apartment as opposed to a studio. Studio=short people. We have no closet space, no neat little storage areas. Everything is stuffed under the bed until it starts sticking out, and then we have to clean house.

4. I have an undeniable sweet tooth. I can't pass on a sugar cookie. Or cupcake. Or ice cream. Or pizookie. Or pie. It rules my life. My diet is much healthier than it used to be, but man, the sugar tooth is crazy. It's like the voice of a fallen crack whore inside my head trying to get me to get her a fix. Just one more, baby, come on. You know it will taste so good...

So now? MORTAL FEAR OF FAT. Scared to be fat. And I know it's coming. I still have Child Bearing in front of me. I still have Regular Age-Related Slowing of Metabolism. I still have Menopause. How am I going to fight it forever? Every year I see pictures of myself and think I am too big. Every year I look at pictures of myself in the past and think, "I looked so good! WHy did I think I was fat?" I don't know how to end this neurotic cycle of neurosis. Just get fat and get it over with? Become a personal trainer? Start running marathons? Give up sugar cookies?
I am out of ideas. I think the most important lesson to come out of my neurosis has been to realize that people (including myself) think that anyone smaller, prettier, with thicker hair, etc., than them don't worry about that particular problem. But people thinner than you are made to feel fat by people thinner than they are! The girl with perfect skin thinks her nose is too big. The girl with the great abs thinks she has tree stump legs. And so on and so on. I am not going to be a better person if I lose that weight. I should focus on whether I am making healthy food choices (not only in content, but in quality) and on keeping myself in good health through exercize, and not let things veer into the obsessive catagory.

And never read magazines. Or watch TV. Or movies. Or look at celebrities on the internet. GAH!

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